Make Nathan a STAR Contest

[Nathan]

See UPDATE at the bottom of this opening comment

It’s the Make Nathan a STAR Contest.

IMDB has a thing called the STARmeter. Their description?

STARmeter rankings provide a snapshot of who's popular based on the searches of millions of IMDb users. Updated weekly, these rankings also graph the popularity of people over time and determine which events affect public awareness.

Here’s a brief snapshot of my STARmeter history. When it debuted on June 1, 1998, I checked in as the 45,360th most popular search. My low point was on February 19, 2006 when I was only the 1,796,871st most popular. As of November 25, 2007, I’m currenly the 224,733rd most popular (down from 70,888th the previous week; what’s up with that?).

So, how does the contest work?

You have to do two things to win.

1. Click my name on this original post, then click where it shows my website. This will link you to my IMDB listing and increase my popularity by leaps and bounds. (You can go to the bottom of the page and click on the why link next to my STARmeter ranking to see my history). Click my name as often as you like to keep on making my STARmeter rise.

**rubs hands together gleefully**

2. Leave a message here telling me why you deserve to win. (i.e. what have you done to increase Nathan’s popularity lately; what are you willing to do to increase Nathan’s popularity in the future, etc.)

I’ll choose the most sycophantic entry on Monday, December 3rd when we’re able to check IMDB and see what effect your clicking has done for my STARmeter ranking. The decision will be solely my own, based on whichever entry tickles me the most. There will be three prizes. The GRAND PRIZE will be my copy of “World War Z”. SECOND PRIZE will be my copy of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” (in which we know that Dumbledore caught teh gayz.) THIRD PRIZE will be my copy of Michael Chrichton’s “State of Fear” (a book I really didn’t like so much and I’d love to get it off my bookshelf and make room for something good).

In addition to the joy of receiving a book, each of which has been personally read by me, I will also autograph each book, and that’ll be extremely valuable since you guys will have made me…well, a STAR. Duh!

Can we get me to #1, currently held by Amy Adams, or past Miley Cyrus checking in at #3? How about dethroning Katherine Heigl, #50? Anne Hathaway’s at #100, not too shabby. Or how about knocking Robert Duvall down a peg from #500? Surely we can drop kick Erica Campbell out of #10,000. She’s the star known for her breakout performances as “first cheerleader” in Costume Bondage, and “actress” in Good Girls Suck Toes.

So, everybody, get clicking. Let’s make me a STAR.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UPDATE SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1ST, APPROX 1:15PM EST

Hurry up boys and girls. Only about a day and 1/2 to post your entries and get that chance for BIG prizes. Since the actual number of entries can still be counted on my fingers (with a few left over), your chances of being a winner are quite excellent.

AND I'M GOING TO SWEETEN THE POT!

I'm changing the prizes. Instead of awarding the books spoken of earlier, I'm going to let the winners shop through my LibraryThing bookshelves. That's right, the winners will get a link to my LibraryThing account and then get to peruse the shelves and CHOOSE FOR THEMSELVES! (I'm not willing to part with some books, so I'll ask the winners to tell me their first three choices and I'll award from those.)

SO GET 2 KLIKIN' AND PIMPIN.

[Janiece]

You were the Parking Coordinator for Crocodile Dundee II? Hee!

Just joking you - we all have to start somewhere. I started burning bags of teletype tape in an incinerator in the Philippines. I'm sure your experience on Dundee was better than that

I see they've added your Henry LeFay project. I love S. Epatha Merkerson.

I will continue to give you clicky goodness, but I think my reward should be that you post a picture of your fine self on your page over at IMDB. Preferably on the Red Carpet, in an outfit that will get you featured on "Go Fug Yourself." After all, that will make your page oh-so-much-more-interesting.

What do you think?

[Nathan]

Janiece,

My mother went to Dundee II and then stood up and took a picture of the screen as my credit flew by. And sadly, no-one gives out awards for "best catering space found for 500 extras", so I don't get a whole lot of red-carpet goodness.

[Janiece]

Excuses, excuses.

All right, how about just a photo, then?

[Jim Wright]

Dude, your star meter rating shows that you're down 66% since last week. -66%. Man, I just can't believe people aren't doing daily searches on the Location Manager for The Jerky Boys. :) You need to get yourself attached to a Chuck Norris movie - or, you know, porn or something.

I'm clicking, Nathan. I'm clicking my ass off here - because I really, really want another shitty Crichton book...that, and I'd love to see Mylie Cyrus go down in flames! In flames, baby!

[Janiece]

I'd love to see Mylie Cyrus go down in flames! In flames, baby!

Now there's a campaign I can get behind! No talent hack...

[Nathan]

Jim,

Don't be haytin on The Jerky Boys. They had the good grace to fade into oblivion. And If I did porn, we'd be working on the STARmeter for Mr. Pepper LaLoma (Porn name is name of your first pet and the street you grew up on).

[Nathan]

Janiece

[Janiece]

Love the shorts, dude. *snort*

[Jim Wright]

Porn name is name of your first pet and the street you grew up on

The would make me Irish Rosewood! - which just plain rocks as a porn star name.

And what Janiece said, snort. Men our age shouldn't wear shorts like that, Nathan, ever.

[Nathan]

BTW, I made that avatar over at http://meez.com which I found via Pixelfish's blog. If youz guyz wanna make one and then post it here, that strikes me as one more way we can amuse ourselves in this Whatever-less period of time. Make them at least vaguely resemble you.

[Janiece]

[Janiece]

Guys, I'm continuing this thread over at Free Play, so Nathan's contest doesn't get pre-empted.

[Hentosz]

Okay, so, first, I'm going to state that I assume you know IMDB is on to your machinations and has proclaimed them impotent. So let's put that right there and not speak of it again.

Second:

What I, Jeffrey Hentosz, Would Do to Make Nathan Gendzier More Popular

by Jeffrey Hentosz

1) I would petition Entertainment Weekly by every means available to include the category "Location Manager" in general, and Nathan in particular, in their annual "Power" issue. I would do this continually until either 1a) they do it, or 1b) the Time Inc. legal department encourages me to knock it off.

2) I would drop an anonymous tip to TMZ.com that starlet Elisha Cuthbert is perhaps secretly canoodling with a behind-the-scenes figure from her latest project. I would suggest a paparazzo has pictures of the mystery man -- NG -- getting out of Cuthbert's car. Commando (*wink*). The story would gain legs when the AOL legal department tries to find out the identity of the source.

3) I would create a YouTube cartoon depicting a farcical war among Nathan, Stewie Griffin and The Brain for control of the world. It would be a sensation and achieve a Boing-Boing/Gaiman/Instapundit link trifecta (The Whatever would remain cooly indifferent to it). It would pass into legend after the Time Inc./NewsCorp legal machines order it yanked.

That's all I got. What more do you want?

[Nathan]

Okay, so, first, I'm going to state that I assume you know IMDB is on to your machinations and has proclaimed them impotent. So let's put that right there and not speak of it again.

Jeff,

The mighty powers of the Whatever(esque) denizens can overpower any protection IMDB can come up with. Silly boy.

[MWT]

Huh. If I were a porn star, I would be Poofy Fourth Street. I think your naming method needs work...

[Nathan]

Poofy Fourth Street is a totally awesome porn name. Poofy!

Egggggselent.

I stand by my methods.

[Janiece]

Schultzy Route? Doesn't sound very porn-star to me. Especially for a girl. Meh.

[Nathan]

Well that's where you're wrong Janiece. I'd totally rent a DVD with the title, "Take the Schultzy Route". I don't know what it is, but it sounds dirty as hell.

[Snave]

Talk about a discussion taking a strange turn!

I have a mental picture of Schultzy Route as a big blonde German-ish dominatrix, whip in hand. Probably better to pronounce it as Root, rather than as R-ow-te.

As to my own porn name, it would be Nike Imperial. Sounds very rocket-y to me, probably as a result of my childhood at White Sands Missle Range in New Mexico in the 1950s. Nike Zeus, Nike Ajax, Nike Imperial, very phallic. It also has a flavor of Nash Rambler, too. Old time car or private detective?

[Nathan]

Snave is correct. The thread has made a U-turn.

WE'RE HERE TO PIMP ME, DAMMIT!

Feel free to continue posting irrelevant shit, but, so far, Mr. Hentosz is the only one completely with the program.

UR DOING IT RWONG!

[Jim Wright]

Goddamnit! I'm glad I didn't look at this until after I was done with my morning bloggy rant, this just put me into too good of mood.

Take the Schultzy Route may just be my new favorite saying. Imagine the conversation

YEC: "So there were like dinosaurs and shit on the Ark with Noah..."
Me: "Ah, why don't you just go take the Schultzy Route, you dolt!"
YEC: "waaaaaaaa, I'm telling God what you said."

Now since Jeff decided to get funnily serious about having a real plan to make Nathan a star (one that sounds like it would actually work, really), I guess I'd better quit screwing around and come up with a plan (and a cool avatar). Thanks, Jeff, just what I needed, more work.

In the mean time, Nathan, you're a location manager - see if you can find us a good location for primary filming on the Take the Schutzy Route bondage film project.

[Janiece]

In the mean time, Nathan, you're a location manager - see if you can find us a good location for primary filming on the Take the Schutzy Route bondage film project.

Don't get too excited. Schultzy Route is my porn name, and I'm not sure I'm up to filming "Take the Schultzy Route."

[PixelFish]

Oh, here's my Meez...which Nathan has seen, but perhaps not other people here:



I am chanting Nathan's name over and over and over hoping that the hovercams will pick it up. (That's a reference to Scott Westerfeld's Extras, btw, which I read last week and which is made of awesome. Imagine if the resources you were given by your government ran off your Technorati rating. Anyway, they have people who attempt to occasionally game the system by doing chants to see how far they can make a random citizen spike for the evening.)

BTW, I already have two of those books already. Guess which two?

[Nathan]

JIm,

I'll have to see the script to pin things down, but we'll probably shoot Take the Schultzy Route somewhere on Poofy Fourth Street. (Starring Nike Imperial).

Janiece,

It's porn. They don't usually go all out over silly stuff like rights[i] and things. If you don't want to be in it, we'll just recast.

Pixelfish,

[i]BTW, I already have two of those books already. Guess which two?
I take it you're shooting for third prize?

[Janiece]

Janiece, It's porn. They don't usually go all out over silly stuff like rights and things. If you don't want to be in it, we'll just recast.

That's just not right. See if I continue to give you my clicky, Schultzy Route goodness.

[Nathan]

Dahhhhling,

<brown-nose>Take the Schultzy Route just couldn't be made without the one true original Schultzy Route. We'll do lunch.</brown-nose>

[MWT]

*note to self: bad idea to check this thread while attempting to eat or drink anything*

[Janiece]

That's better. *Puffs out chest (such as it is)*

[Jim Wright]

So anyway, I stopped by Skywalker Ranch the other day and had a chat with ol' George.

"Luke," I said (he likes to be called Luke for some reason, also he likes it when you come dressed as a Wookie, as long as you don't shed on the couch. Just don't ask him what his midichlorian count is, that pisses him right off). "Luke, buddy, what are we going to do about getting Nathan's IMDB rating out of the crapper? I mean, come on, Jar Jar Binks has a higher rating.

"Jim, there's nothing we can do," he said in his best James Earl Jones voice, "you don't know the power of the dark side of IMDB ratings."

"Oh yes, I do," I replied. "I've seen your ratings for The Ewok Christmas Special, pal.

"Okay, never mention that again and I'll help out your friend," he answered, suddenly contrite.

So, we cut a deal. Lucas will have a certain Sith Lord (he keeps a couple on retainer. Always two, never more, never less) put the neck squeeze on Hanna Montana in the middle of her next concert. As soon as the writer's strike is over, George will have his screenwriters whip up a script and the geeks over at Industrial Light and Magic will hack into the IMDB and force (force, get it?) your ratings into the stratosphere. (Putting the Squeeze on Mylie Cyrus wasn't strictly necessary, but Lucas owed me a personal favor).

So, there you have it. Your fame and fortune are assured, I mean promises made in Hollywood are practically cast in concrete as I'm sure you know.



Oh, and he gave me a part as the Space Pirate in his next flick, Star Wars, Episode SevenWhichComesBeforeEpisodeTwoButAfterEpisodeSix: Curse of the Jedi's Revenge of the Menacing Phantom of the Opera (it's a working title, Vader sings in this one). Helps to have leverage.

[Janiece]

Okay, I think Jim should win, simply because he included putting the neck squeeze on Miley Cyrus. Can we include her father as a bonus? Completed to the tune of "Achey-Breaky-Mullett?"

[Nathan]

Now, now Janiece,

Jim has indeed posted a fine entry, but you'll all have to wait 'til Monday for a winner to be declared. In the meantime, here's something truly disturbing for you to watch.

Enjoy. It gives the NInja-wookies three more targets.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbaxv69O ... re=related

[Nathan]

So, there you have it. Your fame and fortune are assured, I mean promises made in Hollywood are practically cast in concrete as I'm sure you know.

When I was living in LA, I once made a appointment with a guy at Fox. He, of course scheduled it for two weeks later, because, those studio guys have just every minute scheduled and finding an opening is next to impossible. The morning of the appointment, I called him to confirm. Three hours later, when I showed up at his office, he wasn't there. His assistant told me he had a standing golf foursome every week at that time.

[Jim Wright]

Nathan, you have to read between the lines. He was obviously inviting you to play a round with him and his pals. I'd have put on my best clown shoes and gone on down to the Country Club and made the pitch.

I'd have probably gotten drunk first though, those Hollywood guys love that.

[Nathan]

NEED. MORE. ENTRIES.

You guys are just flocking here in the single digits.

At this rate, my STARmeter is gonna tank another 66% this week.

Pathetic.

[Janiece]

Just can't get behind it without your Time-Warping Photo on IMDB...

[Nathan]

Janiece,

Not to screw up the thread by posting non-snark, but non-actors who post their picture on IMDB are considered tres-lame.

I would like to continue working in the future.

[Janiece]

Not to screw up the thread by posting non-snark, but non-actors who post their picture on IMDB are considered tres-lame.

I would like to continue working in the future.

Working is over-rated, but I understand your concern. And the very last thing we would want is for you to be considered tres-lame. Whattites are never lame, only FABULOUS.

[Ray]

Im InZ ur IMDB klikn UR stufz.

[Nathan]

Ray,

Don't look now, but the chick over your right shoulder, the one with the green shirt? she's got a 12-guage in one of her shopping bags.